Back Onto the Beam

I know that I live under the government of good and am guided by Spirit. Therefore, I lay all trouble aside, seeking to look through it, beyond it, above it; to detach it from the realm of Reality, to separate it from any consciousness that belongs to me or to anyone else, regardless of what any problem of the moment seems to be.–Ernest Holmes

I’ve been off the beam for about a year and a half now. It definitely started during pregnancy. It was definitely hormonal. I figured once the baby came all would be well. Then the baby came and that veil of hormonal sourness left. In its place came a baby with medical issues, the holidays, what seemed like a non-stop stream of out of town visitors and then two excruciating months of the most intense loneliness that I’ve felt since childhood. So much for maternity leave. Thank God for work! At least I get to leave my house and talk to other humans.

The extreme loneliness left and its place came extreme exhaustion, an unrelenting schedule, unrealistic expectations, massive guilt trips from serving two masters, the complete inability to lose the baby weight and really ridiculous amounts of financial stress. We are so broke!

So here I am walking around in tattered clothing that only sort of fits, I only get to shower once every 3 or 4 days, I have no energy to keep my house clean, I sleep in my car on my lunch break and I fight a multiple-times-per-day battle to keep myself from breaking out into tears. That’s what my life looks like right now and the other day I stopped, I took a look around at my disheveled self and my disheveled life and I thought “Ya know what? I might be a little depressed!”

If you knew me then you would know that I don’t get depressed. Ever. So this was quite the revelation.

But I’ll tell ya what. I know that this depression is a spiritual one. I’ll tell you how I know. The situation has consistently changed throughout this time. I have rearranged, re-prioritized shifted around, outright abandoned and completely ignored entire pieces of the situation and the feeling has not changed. The situation has changed and changed and changed. But I have not. I keep saying “If only I could get this weight off. If only I could get a little more sleep in the morning. If only I could buy new clothes. If only… If only… If only.” Yet the feeling does not leave.

Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?—Alcoholics Anonymous

Yup. That’s me. For the past 19 months.

The good news is that I now know what the problem is and it’s a snap to identify the solution. Spiritual problem equals spiritual solution!

My steps to freedom are clear.

  • Practice the precious present in my personal relationships. My children, my friends, my family and my relationship with God are the bright spots of my life. More quality time with them and less going through the motions. Make my minutes count.
  •  Less Facebook, more meditation. More chanting, praying, journaling and reading. Yesterday was Yom Kippur. A day of fasting, atonement and review. A fast from negativity. A fast from all things which do not nourish the spirit. A commitment to a daily period of time spent with Spirit is the best prescription. Atonement for allowing me to drift so deeply into the false notion of separation from Spirit and from my fellows will do wonders.
  •  Practice selfless service as often as possible. Nothing lifts the spirit like forgetting yourself while in service to others. I am not able to do service the way I have traditionally done so. Time to get creative! A smile, holding the door open, carrying a bag. There are a million little ways to bring a spot of joy into the lives of my brothers and sisters every day.

All my other troubles-the money, the schedule, the weight, the clothes, the house, the car, all the STUFF! That stuff I lay aside. I look through it, above it, beyond it. I leave it to dissipate in the Light.

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5 Responses to Back Onto the Beam

  1. Eileen says:

    I ❤ you Rachel. You are such an inspiration. "Spiritual problem = Spiritual solution" So simple! I just hope that once you apply the action you said you were going to take and if there is still some depression that you look into post pardum depression. A couple of my sisters had it after they had their babies. I trust that you are a very intelligent woman and you know what is best for you. I am glad to see you blogging. I enjoy what you share. Love, Eileen

  2. Catherine says:

    Poverty has hit a lot of us due to the economy sucking so bad, and our family can definitely sympathize. It sucks being poor. As for the spiritual depression, I feel ya loud and clear.. Keep journaling. Keep praying. That’s what has saved me. You are not alone (especially wrestling with body image issues) and if you need to talk, I am always here. ❤

  3. Theresa Johnson says:

    Hey Rachel

    It’s Theresa;) ur loving friend. You are an inspiration to me and I know many many other women. Especially our favorite girl;) she has been an angel in my life and I see where she gets it! What a strong person you are. I’m in awe… I didn’t really have any idea how hard things were for u right now. You would never know it the way Jo talks about you;) I see her strength and determination through the mess, through the chaos of life. I see why she triumphs above;) it’s helped me to want more, to want to be a better person for God and my fellow human beings;) thank you from the bottom of my heart<3 like u said …. The solution is simple;)

  4. Joy says:

    You are a portal of God’s life and expression. Please keep posting your progress. Your light is shining so bright. Thank you for sharing it and not hiding it.

  5. Tina Carson says:

    The eb and flow of life. It takes someone to step out so the rest of us can be reminded that we are never alone. Thank you for inviting us to join you on your journey.

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