I know that I live under the government of good and am guided by Spirit. Therefore, I lay all trouble aside, seeking to look through it, beyond it, above it; to detach it from the realm of Reality, to separate it from any consciousness that belongs to me or to anyone else, regardless of what any problem of the moment seems to be.–Ernest Holmes
I’ve been off the beam for about a year and a half now. It definitely started during pregnancy. It was definitely hormonal. I figured once the baby came all would be well. Then the baby came and that veil of hormonal sourness left. In its place came a baby with medical issues, the holidays, what seemed like a non-stop stream of out of town visitors and then two excruciating months of the most intense loneliness that I’ve felt since childhood. So much for maternity leave. Thank God for work! At least I get to leave my house and talk to other humans.
The extreme loneliness left and its place came extreme exhaustion, an unrelenting schedule, unrealistic expectations, massive guilt trips from serving two masters, the complete inability to lose the baby weight and really ridiculous amounts of financial stress. We are so broke!
So here I am walking around in tattered clothing that only sort of fits, I only get to shower once every 3 or 4 days, I have no energy to keep my house clean, I sleep in my car on my lunch break and I fight a multiple-times-per-day battle to keep myself from breaking out into tears. That’s what my life looks like right now and the other day I stopped, I took a look around at my disheveled self and my disheveled life and I thought “Ya know what? I might be a little depressed!”
If you knew me then you would know that I don’t get depressed. Ever. So this was quite the revelation.
But I’ll tell ya what. I know that this depression is a spiritual one. I’ll tell you how I know. The situation has consistently changed throughout this time. I have rearranged, re-prioritized shifted around, outright abandoned and completely ignored entire pieces of the situation and the feeling has not changed. The situation has changed and changed and changed. But I have not. I keep saying “If only I could get this weight off. If only I could get a little more sleep in the morning. If only I could buy new clothes. If only… If only… If only.” Yet the feeling does not leave.
Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?—Alcoholics Anonymous
Yup. That’s me. For the past 19 months.
The good news is that I now know what the problem is and it’s a snap to identify the solution. Spiritual problem equals spiritual solution!
My steps to freedom are clear.
- Practice the precious present in my personal relationships. My children, my friends, my family and my relationship with God are the bright spots of my life. More quality time with them and less going through the motions. Make my minutes count.
- Less Facebook, more meditation. More chanting, praying, journaling and reading. Yesterday was Yom Kippur. A day of fasting, atonement and review. A fast from negativity. A fast from all things which do not nourish the spirit. A commitment to a daily period of time spent with Spirit is the best prescription. Atonement for allowing me to drift so deeply into the false notion of separation from Spirit and from my fellows will do wonders.
- Practice selfless service as often as possible. Nothing lifts the spirit like forgetting yourself while in service to others. I am not able to do service the way I have traditionally done so. Time to get creative! A smile, holding the door open, carrying a bag. There are a million little ways to bring a spot of joy into the lives of my brothers and sisters every day.
All my other troubles-the money, the schedule, the weight, the clothes, the house, the car, all the STUFF! That stuff I lay aside. I look through it, above it, beyond it. I leave it to dissipate in the Light.