I am struggling with faith. I feel confused, frustrated, worried, scared and disappointed. I want to pin my hopes on something… anything. Instead, there is nothing in my life which seems certain or sure today. The whole thing is up in the air and I am in a position where I am having to simply see how it all plays out. There is a vague working of a plan for the next couple of months and that’s about it. But even that is subject to change at any moment. It all depends. Everything depends. On what? I don’t even know that much.
I have always been able to have faith in one area so long as all of the other areas are stable. But now I am being asked to have faith with everything – sobriety, friendship, community, money, shelter, food, work, love, my children, the future. Each day I am being asked to wake up and simply do what is put in front of me to be done. There is no plan. There is no solidity to stand upon. I am being asked to be open to possibility and flexible to change. I must flow without flooding, bend without breaking. The level of trust which the Universe is calling from me is unlike anything it has called from me before and I am not liking it one bit.
But I always argue with God. I throw my little temper tantrums and get all pouty. I like to stomp my feet and demand my way. I angrily trudge along, muttering under my breath about how unfair the whole thing is. I am resentful and jealous that I don’t get to have the “easy” life that others seem to have. I am forever being put through the fires of transformation. I am always being stretched and I don’t get much of a rest period. The changes, they are always happening. They are challenging and demanding. The Universe expects quite a bit out of me it would seem.
Finally, I take a deep breath and just go where I am led. It always works out exactly right. There has never been a time that the seeming “bad” thing didn’t turn out to be exactly what I needed. I just had to be patient and trust. I had to go through instead of around. I had to move, face-forward, toward the experience instead of running away from it.
On the other side… it is always ridiculously wonderful. It is always completely worth it. I find myself expanded in ways I could not have imagined; capable of more Love, able to express the Light more fully and having an experience of Oneness which is incomparable to anything I had felt before. I am full of gratitude for God’s infinite wisdom and for leading me right where I needed to go. I have always been cared for. I have never been abandoned and I don’t think I will be this time either.
Some say faith is the absence of fear. Well, I call bullshit! on that one. For me faith has worked differently. I am always scared shitless of what may lay ahead. I am a planner and a controller. A runner of things. Relinquishing control and simply trusting is the hardest, scariest thing I do every day. In order to let go I have to dig deep and draw my courage from my faith. I find my faith in my history. The Universe has proven over and over again that Its plan is better than mine, that I am Loved, that I am never alone, that everything is always working towards the highest and greatest good of everyone, all the time. It’s ok. I can relax. The Universe is entirely reliable and can be depended upon at all times.
So today, I think I’m just going to let it all go and enjoy the exact moment that is being presented to me. Right now this minute all my needs are met. I am surrounded by love, I have wonderful companionship, I have fun work to do, all my bills are paid and there is food in the fridge. There is absolutely nothing to worry about right now in this moment so why not enjoy it? Why not soak it all up for everything it’s worth?
Just for today, just for this moment, I will breathe deeply. I will fill my lungs with the Light which surrounds me. I will express the Love which is who I am without reserve, without bounds and without limitation. I will Love unconditionally both myself and everyone I come in contact with. I will experience the moments ahead without judgment, simply allowing them to unfold as they are. I will face the future with happy anticipation. Why shouldn’t I? I have never been let down before.